i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
