I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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