around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
