I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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