come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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