Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The ass gains better be worth it
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