my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry my hands just texted you
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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