I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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