My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
