My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
