my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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