you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
