4 words: hood of his car
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
