GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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