I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
