I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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