So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
