Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
