I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
