apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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