The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
