I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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