THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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