According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
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Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?