Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic