all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax