Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
