STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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