We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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