May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
