Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
