Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
