my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival