someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention