Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
