Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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