Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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