god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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