My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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