dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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