made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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