Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
