Capitaan dildo arrescate!
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
