He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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