Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
