I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
