no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
