I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
