Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
