I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
