she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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