nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
