I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Too much gin, very little bucket
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
