I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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