Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
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It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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