I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
