She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
