I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
